logo.png

Comedy trailblazers: top jokes from the circuit

"If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been 'It's round.'" – Eddie Izzard

“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” – Ken Cheng

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” – Sara Pascoe

“I have downloaded this new app. It’s great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. It’s called the Daily Mail.” – Hayley Ellis

"Plagiarism is the highest form of art, just as theft is the highest form of commerce." – Simon Munnery

"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, 'This could be interesting.'" – Paddy Lennox

"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble." – Rhod Gilbert

“My husband’s penis is like a semicolon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” – Mary Bourke

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." – Demetri Martin

"My wife said, 'Rob, I'd love to have children.' Now, I'll be honest. I wasn't sure. Did I want to go through it all again? The lifting, the carrying, the mopping up of the spillages? And that's just when you're making love trying to have the child." – Rob Brydon

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” – Rob Auton

“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” – Eric Lampaert

“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” – Nish Kumar

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle